Looking after children - Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 93

An-Nu'man ibn Bashir said that his father had carried him to the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. He said, 'Messenger of Allah, I testify to you that I have given an-Nu'man such-and-such. (It was a slave). The Prophet asked, "Have you given each of your children the same"?" "No," he replied. He said, "Then testify to someone other than me." Then the Prophet asked, "Do you not want to show equal kindness to all of them?" "Indeed I do," he replied. He said, "Then do not do it."

Commentary on Justice Between Children

This noble hadith establishes one of the fundamental principles of Islamic upbringing: the imperative of justice and equality among children. The Prophet (ﷺ) refused to witness a gift given to one child when other children did not receive equivalent gifts, demonstrating that partiality in treatment creates discord and resentment within the family.

The wisdom behind this teaching is profound. When parents show favoritism, they plant seeds of hatred between siblings and create feelings of injustice that may last lifetimes. The Prophet's question, "Do you not want to show equal kindness to all of them?" reveals that true parental love manifests through equitable treatment, not through special privileges given to some at the expense of others.

Scholars have derived from this that equality in gifts, affection, and treatment is obligatory unless there is a legitimate religious reason for differentiation, such as one child having greater needs due to illness or special circumstances. This principle applies to both material and emotional aspects of child-rearing, ensuring the family remains united upon bonds of mutual love and respect.

Practical Applications

Parents should maintain meticulous records of gifts and expenditures on children to ensure fairness. If one child receives a gift, others should receive equivalent gifts according to their ages and needs.

Emotional equity is equally important - spending equal quality time, showing equal affection, and offering equal praise to all children prevents feelings of neglect or favoritism.

In cases where differentiation is necessary, parents should explain the reasons clearly to all children, ensuring they understand the justification rather than perceiving it as arbitrary preference.